we'll all look the same someday...

and even now the robot starts to think...

r e c e n t

22nd-Sep-2008 10:38 pm(no subject)

dude i never really thought about how i dont have friends. but i dont. its hard when im talking witht he girls at work and they're all going out and they tell me to bring friends, and im just like i dont have any... and i really dont. i do have broo and dylan. and i am really happy about that. but still i miss my best friends. and i miss being able to always have someone to hang out with. and talk to. and just have fun with. and now i dont. and im so mad that people are such assholes. like thanks for not having time for the people who would do anything for you and cared about you so much. its really great to know how fucking shallow everyone is. and if i never talk to any of those jerks ever again i would be perfectly fine with that.

15th-Sep-2008 03:43 pm(no subject)

oh em gee. i really hate when like so many people think that someone is prettier than you when they are definetly not AT ALL. like oh my god she is so not even attractive at all. like theres nothing attractive on her at all. people are so dumb. what the fuck. although no one thinks any ones prettier than me anymore. cuz no one is duh. i just thought about this from the pASt when i was freinds wit this one dumb bitch. haha i hate you im so glad we're not friedns anymore. youre boring. and just really boring.

OHM MY GOD I MISSED WEED!!!!!!!!!
sweet.

18th-Aug-2008 10:38 pm(no subject)

i am not happy. i wish i wasnt so insecure but i cant help it. i've been fucked over so many times that i have no trust in anyone. all my "friends" have fucked me over. all my boyfriends have screwed me over pretty bad. i cant help it. and i dont know. dylan's weird when im upset. all i want is to be comforted when im crying but he just stands there and acts like he doesnt care. i think its pretty fucked up when he thinks its okay for him to call some other girl sexy. i'd like to meet the girl who doesnt flip shits after that. there is no way i over reacted. it hurts and it scares me. i dont want him to be another john. and for him to just sit there when i walk out. what the fuck. you NEVER let someone just walk away. not someone you love and care about. because if they walk away and you dont come after them, they might not come back. i love him with all my heart and i'd go to the end of the world to protect him and make sure he's okay. and i dont understand why he cant do that for me. how hard is it for you to stick up for some one you love when your friends are constantly bashing them. its pretty shady if you ask me. ugh whatever. my life just isnt meant to be good. obviously i have done something to piss someone off so much that i can never have anything happy or good in my life. sucks...

15th-Aug-2008 10:56 pm(no subject)

well the summer is almost over and it pretty much sucked. except i hung out with dylan all the time and we did a couple fun things but other than that i was on lock down. probation sucks.

but what sucks more is i have NO friends. at all. i have dylan and brandy. its really pretty shitty how everyone i used to be firends with just doesnt talk to me anymore. especially people i consided to be some of my best friends. you're pretty damn shitty you can't make time for people you've been friends with for such a long time. it's really fucked up. no one should be too busy for their friends. if you were a real friend you'd make time. so fuck you all.

6th-Jul-2008 12:08 am(no subject)

so i got my e-mail.

dear john,

it's paige. today is the 17th of July, but when you get this it should be our two year anniversary. i'm pretty sure we will still be together. and i really do hope so. you mean the world to me and more and i want to spend the rest of my life with you.

and if we're not together just know you will always mean more to me than anyone in my life and i will never stop loving you. so if we're not together maybe you should give me a call. i'd always love to hear from you.

i love you so much boo bear.

and i always will

i cried. =/

5th-Jul-2008 12:55 pm(no subject)

so i remember 2 years ago exactly what i was doing and who i was thinking about. it's weird. 2 4th of july's ago i was sitting on my mom's computer thinking about how i missed danny because the fireworks reminded me of him or something. and then i was sad, so i messaged my friend john. and we talked till 1:30 am. then we made plans to hang out the next day. (2 years ago today) and we did. and it was fun, he sang to me and we watched his favorite movie and we kissed for the first time. then exactly 2 years ago tomorrow will be the day he asked me out. and i was so happy.

never did i think that 2 years later i would hate him with all my heart. and never did i imagine all the shit he would have put me through and all the shit that he caused me. 2 years ago i was so happy and i thought that he was the one. and now it's like john who? oh right the one who cheated on me, fucked me over constantly, got me arrested and ruined my life. wow if i would've known how i'd be feeling 2 years later at this very moment, i would have never invited him over.

one year ago tomorrow was me and john's 1 year. and i wrote myself an e-mail to be sent on the 6th of july 2008. i don't remember what it said, but i can't wait to see what i wrote. i want to know my feelings 1 year ago. hmm. i also sent him one which i hope he doesn't get. because i know that what i ever i wrote, what ever feelings i had for him at that time are wayy past gone. and i could never love him again, even if i wanted to. which i so dont. that boy is better off out of my life and i really hope he gets out of my life soon. because i dont need him. i hate him.

i am more in love with dylan than i'd ever thought i'd be with anyone else. and i am completly happy. and honestly i wouldn't change how i feel about him or how anything with him is for anything or anyone in the world. he honestly completes me :D

28th-May-2008 10:18 pm(no subject)

im changing. im not being nice im not being understanding or forgiving people anymore. fuck anyone who fucks with my feelings. i dont give a shit, but im gonna fuck your ass right back over. i dont want to make new friends becuase i dont trust any of you. and you know what there so many god damn fucked up assholes in this world whats one more? right. im not dealing with anyones shit anymore. i dont fucking give a shit. im fucking sick of being used because im too nice. you know what? FUCK YOU. im not nice. you have no idea what im capeable of and i strongly suggest you dont fuck with me. i will make your life a living night mare if i fucking have to. straight up from now on im going to be a fucking bitch to everyone so i suggest you just dont talk to me because IM FUCKING DONE BEING FUCKED OVER. im too god damn good for this.

19th-May-2008 08:42 pm(no subject)

i have a problem that i need to stop solving with drugs and alcohol. seriously.

19th-May-2008 12:46 am - one day everythings gonna be better for you...

i just wish i was crazy. like literally insane.i wish i could just have a few days before i die. i wish i was fucked up in the head. so then maybe all this shit would be a lot easier to deal with. that i could just lay in my bed and laugh hysterically as a fucking plane falls in my room and kills me, actually i think i am insane. i really do. because how can i sit here and have john tell me im a dumb bitch, im stupid, im a slut, i'm the dumbest fucking person in the world and be fine? maybe because i know im not. we all do. we all see straight through him, well at least i do. he can sit there and tell me he never gave two shits about me? and the reason im not crying about it right now, is because i know it's true. he's not a person. he's a heartless thing just placed on this earth by accident. so let him go on thinking that i was the one who fucked up our relationship when the worst thing i did was cheat on him. whatever. as of 12:46 PM on may 19th (my birthday to be exact) that i have lost my mind. and i honestly can say that i can NOT wait until my life is over.
times up frank said...times up.

i just dont see the point of crying over a dead rabbit who never feared death to begin with...

6th-May-2008 01:07 am(no subject)

i can't do this. i can't be here right now. i want to go home so bad. i just want to smoke on the beach and watch the sunset with someone i love. but im so afraid to love anyone. and im falling so hard for pete. but i can't fall for him, i'm just gonna wind up getting hurt in the long run. i know we wont be together forever, but i'd at least like to be together for a while. i am so afraid. and it sucks. because i don't think he'll be an easy one to get over. but gah. all i want to do is go to new smyrna and live there. i feel so much at home when im there. that is my home. i miss it so bad when im not there. and i feel so alone right now. it's not fair. i wish i could be happy but im just too damn scared. this sucls. i have no one and i have nothing. blah.

4th-May-2008 10:54 am(no subject)

the list of things i desperately need right now:

weed
cigarettes
beer

and i want to go to the beach.
i can't be here.
it's driving me insane.
i want to go homee :(

30th-Apr-2008 12:57 am(no subject)

Your bitter goodbye is ringing through this quiet night,
This idle hour just wont pass
I've never missed you this much, never thought I would,
Didn't think you'd feel so far away
And your summer perfume is still blowing through this hallway,
Autumn's amber red shadows dance
I miss our midnight rides on highway 18, 18 is gone

And so go past the lights and all the excuses
You could have left "sincerely yours"
Don't you think it's obvious that I want to say more?
Cause anything too daring to say to you,
Will be said in this letter, then burned away
So you never realize, I'm here

I'm thinking of your vague reply
So I can understand
Why we put this at rest
Why we forget to
Say that we were leaving
And say that we were sorry
The past remains unspoken
As this vacant night is dying
But I still miss your summer perfume
This cold air brings in such a distance to us
Such a painful distance
And I'm still waiting for you to say you hate me now
So I don't have to, hold on to this burning heart
This burning heart is getting old, getting old
And while I'm sitting on this cold kitchen floor,
Head down to hide the tears,
I've realized
I've finally realized that you were never meant for me..

29th-Apr-2008 09:31 pm - love is watching someone die...

so yeah i fucked up. and then i said i was sorry. over and over and over. and i waited around for you for too long. and i tried to be a better girlfriend i wanted to fix things. but you were too busy off having fun "hooking up with mad girls" as you put it the other night. and then you sold me out and got me arrested because you couldnt grow up and fess up to your weed in my car. okay and even after that i didn't hate you, i didnt stop talking to you, i didnt even yell at you. and i sat here night after sleepless night crying and making myself sick till the day i could see you again. but when you called me and said that you were "having so much fun hooking up with mad girls" (your words exactly) and then that was it. that was the straw that broke the camels back. i realized i was wasting my time on something that was done. it was over. you didn't want me back. fine. all the hard work i did trying to make you happy and trying to make it up to you. it was a waste of time, and im sorry i wasted my time. but that was it. why would i waste my time on you if all you're gonna do is just rip my heart out everyday and let me waste my time trying to get back together if you didn't want me back or whatever you wanted, im sorry but i'm not gonna just sit there and let you treat me like shit. eventually i had to give up and i did. sorry.

"tonight i said goodbye, but i should have said more..."

"how long how long, my lord, how long to sing this song? and my lord, how much more of this pretending to be strong?"

29th-Apr-2008 12:03 am(no subject)

so idk. i care about him. but he doesn't care about me. but i care about someone else. but ill always care about him. but its best we never date again. he treats me like shit. chip doesn't. and he makes me feel like shit. and then could give two shits less. so all in all he's not a good person for me. no one who can just stop caring after two years is.

well i just had to make a list of all the reasons i should get over john...too bad it didn't do much.

shit.

20th-Apr-2008 09:07 pm(no subject)

i can't know you anymore.
i can't talk to you anymore.
i can't think about you anymore.
it's not the same.
it's not how i want it to be.
i remember when i was almost in love with you.
i do love you.
but it kills me to cut you off.
i cant.
im sorry.
i want to way more than i think you do.
i'll never forget you though.
i've known you forever.
and you're really special.
but i can't deal when you just stop talking to me.
so i guess this has to be it.
bye =/

20th-Apr-2008 09:01 pm(no subject)

fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuucccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccckkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk
shit.
so much.
whatevs im good though.
mj and xb<33

30th-Mar-2008 01:13 am(no subject)

no whatever. my life is not over. i have an amazing wonderful boy who cares so much about me. so if some loser doesnt realize what he's giving up. sucks for him. i deserve to be happy. and i am :D

29th-Mar-2008 05:08 pm(no subject)

my life is over

21st-Jan-2008 12:41 am(no subject)

i never thought i wouldn't care.
but i don't.
not about any of you.
not anymore.

21st-Jan-2008 12:24 am(no subject)

ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha

are you serious?!?!

ha ha ha you're ridiculous.

ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.

funny shit man, funny shit.

13th-Jan-2008 11:27 pm(no subject)

don't guess i don't care.

1. sometimes i wish we were friends other times i don't. i am so angry with you and your choices it's unbelievable. but then again why didn't i see it coming...again. but i never expected what you did to me to actually happen. i thought i could trust you. apparently not. it's okay i don't really give a damn about you anymore. and i can guarentee i wont miss you in my life. you're not who you used to be.

2. i did nothing wrong. at all. and you're rediculous. and i just can't belive how immature and hypocritical you are. don't talk to me. nothing you say matters. you're and idiot and you really have no room to speak to me and act like you know so much about shit you have no fucking clue about.

3. i don't know why i was your friend after the billions of times you've screwed me over. i really don't. you were never worth it and now i don't care. if you reallly think you can treat your friends like that then whatever. but i am so done with you. i would NEVER NEVER EVER do what you did to me. no matter what thats not right. you dont do shit like that to your best friend. thats fucked up and unforgivable no matter how many times you apologize.

surprisingly this isn't about you if thats what you're thinking.

6th-Dec-2007 09:53 pm(no subject)

Disorder | Rating
Paranoid: High
Schizoid: Low
Schizotypal: Moderate
Antisocial: Moderate
Borderline: Very High
Histrionic: High
Narcissistic: High
Avoidant: Low
Dependent: High
Obsessive-Compulsive: High

URL of the test: http://www.4degreez.com/misc/personality_disorder_test.mv
URL for more info: http://www.4degreez.com/disorder/index.html

i am so fucked up haha.

8th-Nov-2007 10:35 pm(no subject)

a week
then a month
then a year
then forever.
i've done it before i can do it again.
it's not that hard.

27th-Oct-2007 10:00 pm(no subject)

wiaJSASDHIWSHSHFHijikisdhfjdjshufawhsjkdhIHDEHDJSJSDFBjdjhsdhgjfbvjbdfjvbhshdfvj judhfjgbnjdfhiglkjsiwoujtjgbigujhgbigjbhkhgjkfjdjgdmkfnie57t6jkbdfjbvjlhrihglfdbkljn jshdfgvbklnsdbjhnbjvnbkfcbjvbjn

AHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

stop it.

22nd-Oct-2007 09:27 pm(no subject)

i hate when people don't answer my phone calls.
and my texts.

it makes me sad.

:(

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